Thursday, January 20, 2011

2:27 AM

can't sleep

lying on my bed listening to emo songs. i wonder if its the teh peng just now, or the bread pan snack just now, or maybe the overly hard potato salad which used to be very nice, but wasnt that nice today, i mean yesterday. Or maybe its the mixture of the not hectic, but real packed schedules. Not really taxing, but real heavy workload. Not really stressed, just a longgg to-do list. The cheesecake in the morning was nice. Or maybe its the many things ive found out today. And the impression of me that they had. Very unique, how many of such flamingoes will you meet who had their wings chopped so they could learn to fly without? Or maybe its the calves muscles that's still struggling to catch up the distance i had to walk. i feel soooo bored now, but i really wish i will wake up for the morning lecture tomorrow. Or maybe its the name that never really was mentioned, but you just had an image of him in your brain. Or maybe its the thought of remuneration on award ceremony. Or maybe how he starts looking at you since he saw you dressed up. Or maybe its the weird amount of cash deposited in your account but it doesn't tally and you cannot figure out why. Or maybe its the missing of him,her,her,her,him. And the problem of being too engaged in facebook everyday but not able to help it, and the want to one day say like how he did that i dont play facebook one. Thinking of seeing sunrise, and thought of the days when i just slacked away with you, and we went to catch falling leaves. That was when my toe was injured, but life was quite easy. But then, i was bored then too. But it was a different kind of bored. I know we can't tell the future now, but what if what if? Why do my heart feels so damn fucking empty? The night is still and quiet, but in a while, the cars will move, the flats will light up, the taps will run, but there will not be any good yummy smell of omelette, neither will there be bottle caps shaped cut out bread with goober smack peanut butter and jam. or maybe its the disturbance of your family's wealth, like the drum sets and the gym and the convertible. Or maybe its the itch of the young fearless fiery heart. i think its because the subconscious thought of the knowing of the feeling that the night WILL be longer if humans don't fall asleep, and so it will be longer to waking up and getting to work because its really not very pleasing to be squashed in a school bus and struggling not to fall over or knock your knees on his knees and squeezing your butt so it will not touch hers. A child who has not been disappointed before is like a housefly in front of a glass, the future is bright but can the fly get out? Hopeless. I dont do the things i used to do anymore because now im doing the things im doing, but it seems that i really dread becoming older, because that would mean getting closer to failing in being the youngest accomplisher? But what is it that you exactly want to accomplish you have no idea. Getting older means that you are getting older to achieve whatever you want to achieve. And that is bad, because someone else could have achieved it younger than you. Suck thumb!

I blog but you don't have to understand.