Worm eaten by chicken

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

11:13 PM

No motivation to really study anymore

I don't know what could be the reason.

Is it because
I started clubbing and partying?
of the breakdown that happened to my close friend?
I am sick of being stereotyped as the damn smart in poly? (little did they know how things were like in secondary school. NEVER got the feeling of topping in class)
I have settled for less since tertiary education is ending? (yr 2 sem 2 term 2 now)
I really just more and more lazy?
I realised there is really not much difference between that forced A or that really deserving A?

Not really studying doesn't mean throwing in the towel and just let it go. That's stupid, because I've come a long way LOL. I guess there's always period of time students feel like this, study what for? Am glad there are a few people (one?) I can confide in, schoolmates who feel the same really keeps your heart going.

Aiya, I will still get my grades in the end. Because I want to can party and can study. I can and I will.

Anyway this place is quite deserted because I don't like the idea of being attached to anything, or anyone. Also, the main point about keeping this space is not to make it commercialised or even share thoughts, it's just a little part of me I wanna keep for myself? in the future. That explains why it is not deleted.

Some jobs came across my mind. Ain't really careers which I will settle for for my whole life, but I would love to work as those, at least try working before I die. I think grow older already, more mature, not like last time will say "zookeeper" -.-

1. Private Investigator
This thought came today at Coffee Bean while eating my Salmon Scramble alone. It really suits me, esp my weird personality I think. Like I can go places alone and adapt easily, not feel awkward. I am very aware of my surroundings and normally I am the one who will spot people before they spot me. Over the years I thought this was quite bad because I thought I should just focus on doing what I want in public places and not be SO AWARE of my surroundings. Now I think it's a skill OMG :D I keep so many secrets please. I am like a rock, not very emotional. So when confidential affairs come in, I can draw lines.

2. Article Journalist? Like just share thoughts to people to inspire, to put that thinking cap on people's head (if literally, so cute!) Will hone the skill to express myself better as well. So many theories and thoughts if I could put them all in organized words and share with the world, that would be so pleasing!

2012 Resolutions (yeah so lame, always thought resolutions were stupid pointless stuff. Because I'm like a rock. If you wanna do something, do it. LOL)

-run at least twice a week
-club at most once a week
-do not hesitate fitting in more useful things into schedule (not like I don't already but oh..)
-Think less, do more (don't know whether this is good, for some stuff I guess)
-Stretch and be more flexible (I want to straighten my back leg for scorpion and be able to stand up from bridging without wall support!)
-Train to do pull ups (fuck the fact that so many people say my biceps big ok. somemore they look like fats to me walau)
-Speak nicely to everyone (failed already, just quarreled because my mum thinks she's right about putting nail polish so near me then I knock it and broke it)
-Bother more about people, even irritating ones. (I don't know if this is right. But I actually thought about my life and "Jar of hearts" and I feel like I also quite like that. Who do I think I am? Running round leaving scars, collecting my jar of hearts? But if I bother, wouldn't it be leaving more scars? argh)

I blog but you don't have to understand.

Monday, December 12, 2011

1:55 AM

Take it like a man

The man is happy because everyone around him is.

"Go Australia study, immediately get one car to drive around, what's there to be not happy about"

I realised it is not possible to be thoroughly happy, if people around you aren't. You may be feeling jovial and contented with life, but if the people around you, the people you cherish, the people who had made a difference in your life, if they are in misery, there is no fucking way you can be happy thoroughly. The heart hurts, hurts so much, for them.

I wonder what is wrong, with the cheating hearts of youth nowadays. And I'm the one feeling the pain. They cheat people's hearts, cheat their own hearts, what the fuck is wrong.

And how come I get exposed to so many. Suddenly my close friend lost it all, lost to a freaking exam? WTF. Someone so jovial so chirpy so excited about life just suddenly became a pile of mess who don't have the confidence to give credit to her own work, becoming so easily manipulated by the external factors. And it feels like.. like I've lost a friend. But I'm gonna get her back.

Suddenly something happened came to light because someone trustable became a despicable creep, who was devastated because he made someone lose it all. I can feel he's broken now, but it's not like he's the one who deserves the sympathy in the first place. On the appearance it could be me saying what happened was not important and what matters is what happens from now. But truth is, someone like that could never be looked upon in the same light again.

Youths all make mistakes once or twice in our lives. But the extent of the mistakes sometimes is so great that once the vase breaks, you can never glue it back like it's new again. never.

Organizing an event has become something that brings about satisfaction. The nerves that it provokes, especially just before an event, that excitement when you know people are excited about something you've planned. It all feels good. Even though I feel like I'm the only one holding things up currently, things will work out.

And then I remember about what someone told me a few years back, about drowning your sorrows in studies. There are so many troubles to worry about, but if there's nothing you could do about them, stop wasting time and put your focus on studying. Gotta get through these 4 days. Just four days, I can do this.

When darkness comes to light, it ends tonight.

I blog but you don't have to understand.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

10:40 PM

Who says

I dont like the way people who speaks on behalf of me without even knowing if I want it spoken like that, who speaks one thing and do another, who speak assuredly but doesnt produce quality assured work and results, who speak of one but does not look at self, who speak of only dirty thoughts. I wonder if they know they are speaking like that. Obviously not.

I blog but you don't have to understand.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

2:28 PM

Get a hammer

I realised I have the ability to link people together, to make people feel included in a group.
But I lack the skill to make myself feel included and involved.

It's proven that guys are superficial and girls are materialistic, another addition to my personal theory.

There seems to be a force driving each thing happening, and sometimes it almost seem as if I can predict who's gonna quit because it's so obvious. Sometimes even though she has so much passion for it, the unfavourable external circumstance causes things to change, and then she quits because she couldn't get a chance. But then again, if she wants it badly enough, she might have stayed.
The brickwall thing again.
But who on earth has such deep powers to hit down every single breakwalls in her life,
and has it ever occured to you that some people live their lives with no brick walls.

Jovial nature.
hmm.
haha.

I blog but you don't have to understand.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

1:34 AM

Scrambled eggs, scrambled thoughts

Unwilling to make sacrifices, yet unwilling to drop expectations.
Didn't sacrifice, but still able to get results.
Luck? Smart?
But deep inside I don't approve of of my laziness.
There's exam tomorrow.
And I am so happy here I got to Level 21 of Tetris Battle 6P.
I feel so bad. For not focusing.
It's like knowing what you came here for in the first place, but didn't act as if you really cared.
And I see no point in reaching 15minutes earlier than stated time. But nevermind.
Spotted something no one would ever notice.
Love that satisfying feeling.
Childish and stupid.
Don't we all know it's much easier to learn things when we were young?
But the trade-off is that we didn't know that when we were young.
Want so much of everything.
But as I grow I realise wanting a little of everything will just make you a nothing.
The feeling is like,
the egg in the lukewarm water,
that never ever became even half-cooked.
And then we don't want it anymore. we keep it in the fridge.
and later on,
we gave it life by frying it.
Love typing enigmatically like that,
matches my perplexing mind,
in a confusing world like this.

I think that I am very aware of my surroundings,
like overly aware.
I notice alot of human behavior,
and it kinda sucks because I think it's very weird.
Then again
Weirdness is subjected to our own defintions.
Sleep deficit seem such a thing of the past,
but it's time I see that laze exist eternally.

We can't solve problems by using the same type of thinking we used to create them
-Albert Einstein
But it takes alot to open your mind to another perspective.
Dear friend, open your mind.
"But I'm afraid it will drop out"

Two days later, Poly Year 1 will become history.
Wow. It almost seem as if it's yesterday that
that my feelings came out from my tear ducts.
It's crazy.

I am mad afraid I won't join back again.
There are some lessons learnt, but some are too late.
It's true when they tell you to slow jog a long distance because
once you lose that momentum,
it is that hard to get back on track again.
And again, the thing is
you didn't know you would lose it when you had it.
For who
easily heed words of advice?

It's disturbing how lyrics can get to the head so much.
So much
Way easier than how facts,
political issues and national statistics can
wriggle their way and stay in your memory.
Though I really believe in human memory,
ever since how Venice worked his way into my head.
It's hell amazing how much human memory can take.
That's why I believe Granger and their friends.
HAHA. Or is it Faber.
Can't remember.
Irony created.

Sigh
I am also very disturbed by anyone affected by what they read.
It's makes me bind my thoughts,
restrain my expressions,
and afraid of consequences.
It's almost like screaming,
you might think its in your head,
but
actually it's the wrong head.

I enjoy doing things that are really conflicting
and vary in extreme measures.
But I am afraid as I grow older,
I grow more sane.
Sanity makes one insane.
Irony two created.
Because right, when you become more sane, you are afraid to allow your insane thoughts multiply,
you put a stop to it, but the feeling is insane because your insane mind is mad afraid the sane mind is gonna take over.
Truth is both minds probably don't exist.

Conflicting things make people puzzled.
I love
the mysterious feeling.
It's annoying,
it gets to you.
But it's interesting.

Then again, I am so afraid what's boring
might be what's right.

It's so easy to give money, but so hard to collect money.
This is an economic lesson everyone should learn as young as possible.

It's been long since I laughed my heart out till there's tears in my eyes.
I miss when I can come across interesting chinese phrases I don't understand,
ask Zheng Laoshi about it,
and get laughed at by the whole class.
Also miss being able to ask the china scholars how to read this word and that word.

Paedophile.

Glad I didn't make the rash decsion that day and risk
getting
murdered.

It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, or the brewer or the baker that we expect our dinner from, but from their regard to their interest.
-Adam Smith

Poly taught me so many things about life.
There are alot of things we all just do, and no one mention them.
Mentioning would equate admitting, and there are issues in life we just do,
there's no right or wrong because it's fair.
Sometimes we correct unfairness ourselves,
our own forces,
we correct them by doing unfair things,
and by tackling unfairness with unfairness,
we achieve a balance and get what we may then proclaim fairness.
And no one speaks about them anymore,
because it's fair.

And many times there are things we have to report in a certain way
in words, in accounts, in records,
a true and fair figure.
But the humanity that goes on in the deeper level
cannot be seen from the printed records.
Mostly it's not a case about allowing or disallowing in the open.
It's secretly allowing
without expressly consenting to the issue.
And that makes things fair.
Because they did not allow expressly,
but it's implied allowance.

It's a green light to go ahead,
but they don't show you that it's green yknow,
and you don't just ask if it's green.

I blog but you don't have to understand.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

12:13 AM

Weird day

Terribly terrified, but helpless. I understand how dramas always show it's so hard to help already. It seems like you are there you can just do something to help. But truth is we are all each a separate entity and although we are sitting together like in real life just a few centimetres away each other, but truth is we are seas apart. And I feel helpless I can't help you.

The difference between a child and an adult is that a child needs what he misses, whereas an adult misses only what he needs. As we grow, we tend to become more practical because that's how life is managed. Talk about life management. Actually, some things happen. But in reality, what is actually supposed to happen can don't happen. Talk about flexibility. Being frivolous is different from being flexible in decisions.

There were two groups. Why were there two groups?
There were two couples. Why was it that the exact moment I saw them they kissed?
There was an eye contact. Why was it that at the exact moment I looked, the other party looked back?

I blog but you don't have to understand.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

9:36 PM

Shape

Like it or not, what we are is partly shaped by the external environment we grew up in.
Every single thing contributes.

And I grew up in an environment
that taught me to forbid myself to grow attached to things, people, or event.

I never thought that what I am like could be attributed to what I've been through,
but the truth is we are all shaped by what we went through.
A solid shape may form over time,
but as long as the machine is strong enough,
you can be squashed into another shape.

I never rule out possibilities about life,

it's just how possible is it.

I blog but you don't have to understand.